The Eternal Three - "Hour Of The Heart, Mind & Soul"

I went to visit my Gaurdian Angel yesterday.
I hadn't seen him face to face for nearly five years.
He hugged me when he saw me and seemed so happy that i couldn't help smiling myself.
We talked a little of when i was younger, my aversion to needles and the time i wouldn't let anyone remove the set of stitches on my arm but him.
We spoke some more of my future career and what persona should bring forth for the courts.
I'd have to lose the hair colour as it is to seem professional and i would have to be the right weight for my age.
I spoke to him privately before i left, to thank him for all he has done for me and his words to me in reply meant more than he'll know:
- "You are the last child your father has to watch grow up. You are the only one now who can do something with your life which he can be proud of. He has brought you up and kept a roof over your head,

Use this as a way to repay him.

Put your heart, mind and soul into this and God will bless you." -

His words touched me deeply and all the way home i stayed silent, thinking of what he said.

And deep down, i know he is right.

There is only me who can do this - no one can do it for me. It is the decisions i make now that will affect me for the rest of my life.
It's scary to ponder, but i'll do what i can - i can only do my best.

Which i plan to do with heart, mind and soul.

x

Playlist - "Hour Of Music"

My Personlised L Lawliet Playlist.

Life - "Hour Of The Gaurdian Angel"

Just something i wish to share.
My old family doctor is also a family friend and i hadn't seen him for years yet suddenly the other day he dropped by with £50 for me, calling me his "little daughter" (he'd never had a daughter - only sons) and my mother told him all about me wanting to do forensic science as a career.
He told her that he would arrange for me to have a job as a forensic science solicitor when i left school and that he wanted me to keep my head down and not give up on what i wanted - even if my friends didn't stay with me through it.
He said that if my friends and/or my boyfriend wouldn't support me and encourage me to do what i wanted to do, wouldn't help me to learn what i needed to learn - then i should consider them as not being good enough for me.
He said that piece of advice got him where he was and that it had never failed.
His piece of advice will be invaluable to me and i thank him dearly for it.
He is in his 70s and i believe that he is ill at this point in time and that he might not have long left.
His request was that i should see him before he dies.
I promise myself and him that i will follow his advice, become that [erson he sees me as and fulfill his request.
He is truly my guardian angel.
x

Lonelyness - "Hour Of The Bad Day"

Sometimes, i feel like no-one listens to me.
Like no-one gives a damn if i'm ok or not.
I know it seems stupid to think like that but yet again my mates seem to be ignoring me and pretending that i'm ok when i'm blatantly in the need of a cheering up session.

I'm in a mood because it's that lady time of the month and i watched Death Note last night and.......L IS KILLED!
I hate Light Yagami, but somehow i still like him.
I disgust myself.

I don't even know if i wanna carry on readin the books/watchin the series now. It's not the same without L, although Near come pretty close to him, it's not the same.

My brother is even being distant with me - i hate it.
Everything is like- -.- today.

But ya know what? I'm not gonna let it get me down.
L's dead but his memory lives on ^_^
My brother is just growing up.
& My friends are just having other stuff to think about.

Life'll be good soon.

I hope.

1,2,3 - "Hour Of The To-Do List"

God, is it Wednesday already?!
Why is it that time always speeds up when you finally get to the school holidays?
I'm sure it's a collective prayer from parents all over the world saying "please send them back to school! They're driving me crazy!"

Anyway, i've been working on my novel and trying not to worry about anything in the process.
Writing a novel is harder than it looks.
I always get things muddled up so i decided to make a to-do list for my creative prospects:

• Finish lyrical dance to Dido - Here With Me.
• Write end of Ch3 (should be a collective number of 30+ pages at that point).
• Write an MC - i haven't been in that biz for sooo long, i'm surprised peop;le still remember my winning battle against MC Josho (he'd never been beaten before though, soo....)
• Finish my sing for Music!!
• Compose some songs.
• Learn at least two songs for the piano (one Evanescence and one other)

That should keep me occupied for a long time.

More later

x

Spirit - "Hour Of Everything"

(Some amazing inspirational quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt)

I decided yesterday that i couldn't let it get to me.
The worst thing i can do is show fear.
So i ventured out to the shop with Vez for my mum and nothing happened.
That doesn't mean to say it won't, it's just a small step in gaining confidence to go out in my area.
I guess i figured that worse things could happen in my life and he was just one guy in a gang who would catch hell if anything happened to me.
And i don't just mean from the police.

As for the message, i can choosethe way i see it.
I can see it as a hateful message sent to intimidate and make me feel bad, or i can come up with a more positive meaning for each word and feel better about it.

This is what i did:

mongy - Mongy D (very good MC)
dog - wolf, my fave animal
stealing - stealing sadness away from others to make them happy
whore - music whore, i love music, i cant get enough of it
tramp - lady and the tramp, i always liked the tramp :)
dosser - can mean lazy person, well, tell me something i DON'T know lol i am a libra after all!

Ok so it doesn't change the way she meant it but by changing the way i see it, the thing i see changes.
That's why i have purposefully left it on my bebo.
So she can see that i have seen it and do not care.

Life is too short to get down in the dumps every time someone says something nasty to you.
Jeez, i mean if i had 50p for every time someone said something catty or bitchy about me - i'd be a millionare before Chris Tarrant could make me one.

One woman came up with an amazing way to phrase what i did - Eleanor Roosevelt.
She said, "no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent".
And she's right.
You can choose to feel bad about what someone has said, you can ignore and move on or you can turn it into something positive so that if anyone says it again in the future, you can consider it a compliment.

Anyway, the way i see it is that we didn't steal the dog.
We took care of it and saved it from being run over (which it might have been if left to roam) and if they can't accept that someone did them a good deed without asking for anything in return then that's thier problem.

I also have a book recommendation for all of you - Conversations With God.
At the moment i can't remember who it is by but if you look it up i'm sure you will find it.
It has a blue cover with a lake and greenland on the front.
I found it strangely comforting and enlightening.

I hope you enjoy it too if you decide to read it.

x

Fears & Tears - "Hour Of The Victim"

It's unusual for me to post twice in the same day, but i needed to let this out somehow, especially not in a way that would cause more problems.

Before Xmas, my brother found a Siberian Husky near my sister's house a couple of miles away so he took it in and cared for it.
About a week later, a girl at my school (let's call her L) said that my friend Vez had mentioned the dog to her. So Vez looked at a photo of the missing dog on L's phone - Vez confirmed the dog was the same as the one my brother found.
Turns out she's the owner's girlfriend.

Anyway, a day later, the owner's little brother (also from my school) came up to me in the Caf and started threatening me to give the dog back.

Point: I didn't even have the dog.
My brother is 31.
He lives with his wife and kids.

So i left the room, crying.
Not to sound like a baby but the owner of the dog turned out to be a gang member of my local area and if he wasn't happy, someone was gonna end up hurt.

Anyway, one Friday, she finally requested to come and see the dog and take it home to it's owner but before that, she agreed to give my brother her number so he get the dog checked for a microchip (just to make sure) and then keep her up to date..
I, a lover of animals, insisted on this point as I have in the past lost a puppy i didn't get the chance to have microchipped and she never came back or was found.
I didn't want the same fate going to another.
So my brother went to the vet - it was his dog.
It had gone missing many times before too and this time, they had failed to report it missing.
How careless is that?
If they were so bothered about thier pet, why not report it missing?

Antway, as my brother was on his way back from the vet, the owner came by my place with a few gang members and threw a few bricks at the window.
So i called the police.
And, when my brother got back, he phoned L.
He was threatened with violence over the phone saying - "I'll kill you if you don't give me my f*ck*ng dog back!"

They came about an hour later, after the dog had been taken home by his girlfiend.
There is a reason she came instead of him, the guy is a loon. If he gets mad, he's the type who would attack you with anything...including knives.

Anyway, that was all over and done with after the police had a word with him.

So why a i upset right now?
Oh yeah, because i just checked my bebo to find a message from L saying:

"mongy dog stealing hore tramp......doser"

I feel like crap.
I wanna cry, i really do.
Especially with all the other crap going on in my life.
But to be honest, i don't think she sent it.
I think HE sent it through her user
So now he knows what i look like which, before, was an advantage and i could still venture out.
Now, it looks like i'm a moving target.

Every time i step foot out of my front door it's gonna be like russian roulette.
I wonder which time i open it will be my last?

x

Cell Block Tango - "Hour Of The Jazz Dance & Hour Of "He Had It Comin'"

It's been ages since I wrote here.
That's because stupid little me got a soft spot for my ex and decided to give him the link for this page.
BIG mistake.
If anything happened and i wanted to vent my feelings - where could i do it?!
So i changed the URL.
It's now http://espeon-angel.blogspot.com.

Anyway, Im in dance at the moent and we've been doing Jazz dance.
The Chicago soundtrack has been on repeat all morning too.
We're doing a dance to Anastacia's If Love Is A Crime.
I like Jazz Dance, it's fun and great to watch, but some of the moves are really hard....or painful (like the floor sweep run).

Today at lunch, my ex is going to ask me back out.
I do NOT know what to say.
I want to wait until i find someone who i think is perfect and who i will love and be loved by.

Uh-oh.
It's time.

Wish me luck and pray i don't make a syupid decision.

x

Lost - "The Hour Of Realisation & Lost Photos"

(From Top Left to Bottom Right - Novemeber 2006, February 2008, May 2008, January 2009)

Well, I've done it again.
I've lost 1000 photos by not bothering to get a memory stick.

I burned every photo onto a pair of discs and when I came to use them - the photos were gone.

Oh. Bloody. Hell.

I have lost every photo i've ever taken, right back to 2006.

Including photos of when my nephew was born.

Like my mam says, "there's nothing you can do about it now so don't let it get to you."

Today kinda got me thinking.
I must be here for a reason, nobody survives seven car accidents for nothing but i can't believe it's taken me so long to realise i've taken so much for granted and i've become something i'm not.
I've lost respect for people who desrve it. I hardly go out anymore when i used to go out on my bike or to the park nearly every day. I've moulded my image and dyed my hair so people would accept me instead of being myself. I've put on weight when i knew i could prevent it. I've taken and put up with more bullshit than my old self would have allowed. I've started smoking when i swore i never would and i let myself get into stupid situations because i'm subconciously attracted to the drama.

Some people might say that you change as you get older and yeah, i suppose you do. But you don't force it to happen or let it. Not like i did.
So i guess it's time for me to let it go and be myself. Whether people like it or not. I was happier before i messed my own life up. I'm gonna put it right.

So here's list of focus points:

• Respect people more.
• Go out on my bike or at least visit new places once a week.
• Lose the weight i let myself put on.
• Dye my hair it's root colour - and then never dye it again...or cut it.
• Be myself - no matter what people say or think.
• Stop being afraid to like things because it's not what others like.
• Don't become part of any stereotype.

I really hope i can do this.

♥

Sensations - "Hour Of The Bond Perfume"

Well, i didn't take a photo of the doorstep - i slept in.
Again.
I gotta stop doing that, i would LOVE to be able to get up in the morning. Really.
But my bed is too tempting.



Anyway, I got a little somethin special today.
The Bond Girl 007 Perfume Set.
I know, i LOVE IT! Il est fabuleux et fruité!
Included in the set was (as shown in the piccy):

• The Bond Girl 007 Perfume.
• A Small Compact Mirror With The Perfume Logo On It.
• A Small Velvet Pouch For The Mirror.
• A Lipstick In Rouge.
• A Carry Case For The Mirror And Lipstick.

I tell you summat, I went downstairs after i applied a little of the blessed parfum and made a drink of coffee. After i went back upstairs my mum comes in from outside and says "you just came downstairs didn't you?" - SHE COULD SMELL THE PERFUME!

Seriously. That is how good this stuff is. But anyway, i'm rattling on again.

I might be adding something to my Flickers Of Imagination blog today - so keep an eye open!

Gossip Girl is on tonight too, and the new series of Minder. I shall be watching both :D.

Also, i might be starting a new blog today or as soon as poss. It will be all on fashion and will be updated once weekly.

Consider me Gok W(om)an! Okay though seriously i love that guy, his work is amazing.

Anyway, keep an eye on both and don't forget to watch this space!

Love ya all!

x

Randomness - "Hour Of The Snow Shoot"

Some pictures: Chicago city, a road at sunset, a bridge and a harbour.

I find that cities and any water (such as rivers, lakes, seas and harbours) at night are breathtaking. At least to me. Each picture reveals a place I wish to visit.

Well, did i or did i not say school would be closed?
It like, sooo totally was! AND it's closed again tomorrow!
And, after hearing the recent weather report, looks like it's gonna be shut practically till friday.

Either way, i decided that i was going to do something random today.
I did a photo shoot in the snow.
Yep.
It was freezing.
Check it out -

So okay I'm not the prettiest pea in the pod or the slimmest branch of the tree, but I'm me, so take it easy okay?
People should think more about what's on the inside than on the outside.

Speaking of outside the snow's been falling heavily for the past three hours now.
I'm willing to bet that, by morning, it'll cover my front doorstep.
If it does, i'll take a photo. And post it here.
If not....well, i 'll think of something.

By the way, I've made another blog in case you didn't know.
It's called Flickers Of Imagination.
It's a collage of my song lyrics, short stories etc.
I hope you find them to your tastes.

Catch Ya Later Friends!

x

Celebration - "Hour Of The Snowfall"

Well, it's been a patchy day.

I woke up at 10:30am and rolled over to see Chloe and Vez - still asleep.
Now anyone who knows me, knows i do NOT do mornings. I cannot get up early, it's just unnatural to me.
I'm an afternoon-to-night person.
Whereas Vez and Clo are like roosters - they're up at the crack of dawn every day.
Including weekends.
So yeah, it was strange to be the first person awake.

There's this white powdery stuff outside on the ground.
I don't know what it is - I don't see it all that often.
Oh...wait....what?....it's what?.....oh SNOW!
Ok.
Well, i'm very happy about it because it means that, if it's still as white over as it is now (hopefully more), then school will inevitibly close for the day!
So...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Christ, I just had another look and it's like someone painted the floor!

Okay....it's getting worse - school WILL be closed.
And even if it doesn't, i'm not going.

Wow, i'm like totally dying for another ciggy.
Will go have one.

I made a huge mistake yesterday, i sent a....well okay, i'll admit it....hate mail message to Michael. He either recieved it and hasn't replied or hasn't seen it yet.
I said quite a few things i maybe should have kept my mouth shut about.
Oh well, it's my own bleedin fault.

Anyway, Supernatural is on tonight as well as Being Human!
Am v. much looking forward to watching both shows as both are very exciting!

More later.

x

Revelation - "Hour Of The Frankenstein Monster" & "Hour Of The Soul"

Oh. My. God.

I cannot BELIEVE what THE FREAK (Michael - my ex-boyfriend) did yesterday.

HE PINNED A LITTLE KID TO THE WALL!

Wanna know why?

Because he was annoyed at me and was trying to talk to me and the kid whacked his backpack!

His excuse when he let the kid go and came back over to me was:

"Sorry, i had an adrenalin moment"

ADRENALIN MOMENT? WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? EDWARD BLEEDIN CULLEN????

Jeez, I sooo totally could have killed him there and then.

ANYway, my niece Chloe and my best friend/sister Vez are crashing my place tonight....like they did last night.

*I sorta realised that, although my mate can be a total wipeout when she wants to be, i can be a total biatch too. So i forgive her for acting a bit mean.*

I'm also getting a serious, although very good, obsession with the tv show The Dog Whisperer.

Cesar Millan rehabilitates dogs and trains thier owners in how to stop unwanted behavior. He's absolutely fab at what he does and i find that, as i watch the show, I become very inspired to become "a calm-assertive pack leader".

He's amazing.

At the moment, i find i'm struggling with some religious issues.

I was once an athiest. Then a christian. Now a Wiccan.

But i wonder - which am i meant to be?

I'll feel horrible (not to mention i'll be in BIG trouble) if the real God is christian and i'm following Wicca.

Or if i'm following Christianity and i find out the real God/Goddess is Wiccan - i'm going to feel awful and like i've betrayed the one who loves me.

If you think it's confusing from where you're sat - try being me.

To be honest, i'm scared of the consequences of following the wrong path.

I really want to become spiritual.
To seek balance and calmness. Instead of living in a world where everyone argues.
We live in a complicated world and it's a world i hate being part of.
I'm tired of having to crawl into myself to find a tranquil and peaceful place. I shouldn't have to do that, there should be a place out there for those like me to retreat to whenever things get too much.

Until then, i'm gonna try and be a calm-assertive pack leader!

Nighty night people!

x

First Entry: Hour Of The "Best" Mate.

I didn't really want my first diary entry here to be a bad one.
But, as per usual, my day is off to a bad start and I feel like crap.

My "best friend", Vez, isn't acting AT ALL like my best friend.
She's being a total washout with me and i really can't figure out why.
I attempted to ask for the password to get past the school system so i could access facebook like everyone else and all i got was "WHAT!??"
Oh. My. God.
What the hell?

Jeez, if she keeps this up she's soo not crashing my place on saturday, she can do a backflip over fire.
It's like she doesn't even CARE!
I was almsot in tears yesaterday.....omg...omg...omgomgomgOMG!

Gossip Girl Season 2 Episode 2 was on last night and i MISSED IT!
Crap,crap,crapcrapcrapcrapCRAP!
I only just remembered!

Anyway, i was almost in tears yesterday and she didn't even check twice to see if i was okay!
At the moment she's not even acting like a friend, let alone a best friend!

Jeez! I wonder who will abandon me next?
Gaz maybe> I have been a bit bitchy with her lately....which i totally didn't mean to be.
Oh and Mike is soooo totally out of reach with me.
But i did that one on purpose due to his....childish...behavior.

Anyway, bell just went and i have HORRIBLE art.

Catch ya later.

x